GUYS WE SHOULDN’T BE ATTRACTED TO. ‘IF LOVING THEM IS WRONG, WE DON’T WANNA BE RIGHT.”

I don’t think there’s anyone I’d rather invite over at 2 in the morning, as I stumble into my apartment. I’m sure Ricky’s good for more than just “havin’ a laugh”. And now that’s he lost the weight I won’t feel so bad when my friends find out about our bi-weekly trysts.

"Believe me when I tell you: this is a terrible human being. In real life were we to ever meet, I would try to kill him. However, my techniques for murder would definitely include seduction first. Just look at that fucking beard."

"Believe me when I tell you: this is a terrible human being. In real life were we to ever meet, I would try to kill him. However, my techniques for murder would definitely include seduction first. Just look at that fucking beard."

"Play me a song Tom Colicchio. Real soft-like. Make me think you totally wouldn’t be the kind of dude to scream at me to get on my goddamn knees and TRY HARDER. Not that that’s a dealbreaker. Just don’t forget our safety word, “Padma.” And while we’re here, let me just say that I imagine Tom’s head tastes lovely. If you were to lick it I mean. Not even Bourdain can zap me out of my “what does Tom’s head taste like?” stupor."

"Yeah, the haircut is bad and he’s a crazy serial killer. Talk about the ultimate badass. I like the strong silent type… so what if he has a bit of a gambling problem and a nasty little mean streak. And we all know who’s under that hair anyway."

"Can you say daddy issues? I’ve spent some time … more time than is really necessary, considering the mermaid problem and what that means for the world. Because how does Triton have all these daughters? And how is his chest so … lovely? And that trident could be utilized in so many ways. He’s very forceful, with a soft side. And where’s Ariel’s mother? Yes, yes — I could see this happening."

"I don’t want to talk about it. "